An Overview of Sorts

Looking Back: Yes, it was torture. Yes, it was traumatic. Yes, it was difficult and yes I cried. A lot. My best friend was caffeine and after a long day the only thing my mind could handle was reruns of the Kardashians. I was exhausted by 11:30 every night. I was exhausted every morning at 6am. Oh, and guess what, I was exhausted in between too! I should have made more friends from the start because it was too lonely. I should have stuck to study/homework schedules and I should have used my agenda book more. I'm pretty sure I experienced two legit panic attacks while studying and most days my eyes were permanently swollen from too many tears. I discovered the power of repetition on a white board and the necessity of monster energy drinks. I was too tired most nights to shower and once cold weather required I wear long pants everyday, I gave up on shaving my legs. I became superstitious during tests, always having to chew the same gum, sit on the same side of the lecture hall, and use the same pencil. I wore a charm bracelet with charms of every religion, just to make sure all the bases were covered. I was willing to accept any help or guidance I could get.
Looking ahead: I need to start off on the right foot and then stay on that "right foot" for as long as I can. Study guides as you go will pay off in the end. Restock coffee supply often. Allow absolutely no chocolate or candy into the apartment because I will eventually devour everything in sight due to stress. That reminds me, look into becoming someone who loses weight while under stress... I'll have to call mom more often, and she will need to check in on me too! I should buy a plant. If it thrives, I know I'm not studying enough. If it dies, I'm doing well. Go to the rec center more. Find more funny people to hang around. Keep a cleaner room. Clear room, clear mind. Get a "fresher start" each morning. Have a more peaceful bedtime. Find a hobby. Take a weekend off to visit Maggie.

Big Deal = Small Waist

I could not be more pleased with myself lately. Even tho I have not been losing weight at the pace I had been, at least I am not gaining. Most importantly, even tho the number on the scale has not changed, the size of my pants have! This week was the easiest time I have ever had finding clothes. Almost too easy, and bordering on problematic if I continue to get excited about everything I can fit into now. I bought my first pair of skinny jeans, but the more important "first" was that I liked how I felt and looked in them! Im now thankful for the clearance rack at JCPenny and Goodwill for practically doubling my wardrobe in the past 3 days.
I have two major tests this tuesday so, although its a struggle- I will remain positive. I guess that just means I'll have to wear those sassy skinny jeans everyday until then!

and November 10th, 2011 will go down in history as...

The First Time I Tried Starbucks! That alone is very exciting to me, even though it didn't live up to what I had imagined. I ordered a soy latte, gave a cool fake name, and got one of those cute green stirr-sticks that doubles as a stopper! The dissapointing part was the $3 dollars and change I spent on it- only to find out I don't like soy lattes! I'm much happier with my instant coffee and my flavored non-dairy creamer. I still would really like to try a plain coffee and experiement with the different flavored syrups, but it might be a while before I can convince myself it is worth the money. This leads me to what I'm thankful for today!
I'm thankful that I'm not one of those people who NEEDS a Starbucks in their hand inorder to feel important. (Could you imagine how expensive that character flaw would end up costing you!) This, I feel, has a lot to do with how I was raised, therefore I'm thankful I was raised the way I was!
I'm also thankful for Laura, the girl who sits next to me in class who always offers me a couple of her pretzels when she takes them out of her backpack for a snack. Many food headaches have been avoided because of her kindness, especially today since I completely forgot to eat lunch before class. Did I mention they are the butter braided type of pretzels? I guess Im also thankful that she has good taste in salty snacks!

Can I Get An Amen

For some reason, this always happens(I have countless unfinished journals to prove it!) I start a journal/diary/and in this case-a blog with the best of intentions; planning to frequent them often with my thoughts, feelings, and epic moments (because I have so many of them...) but I never seem to follow through. It probably says something about my character and I can only imagine what that is, yet here I am again- willing to give it another shot! I've been bummed/blue/down-in-the-dumps lately so I decided that perhaps I should start recognizing everything thats going right in my life and everything I have to be thankful for. (Original, I know.) I'll do my best to be thankful for something each and everyday and this is where I will keep track of it all. It may be something small, fairly basic, or it may even be materialistic, but at least I'll be recognizing the positivity it brings to my days. No judging! Deal? Deal.

Some quick things off the top of my head I was thankful for/made me smile recently:
-The mormons that came knocking on my door the other day. Now I'm not mormon, but to see two handsome, young, virgins giving up their time and risking embarrassment and not to mention the cold rain- just to see if I wanted to talk about "how wonderful Jesus Christ is" to quote them exactly was sweet.
-Coffee. enough said.
-Day light savings time this past Sunday. Im not sure that I got the full benefit of that extra hour (simply becacuse I didn't get to spend it sleeping) but I'm happy it was there!

Update:

So I've calmed down.
I'm taking it one day at a time.
I've realized this will be THE hardest thing I have ever done in my life, so I'm going to "deal with it."
I've come to accept that the 3rd floor of the library will be my home for the next couple years.
I'm not looking to get A's, I'm just looking to pass and of course LEARN/UNDERSTAND the material.
God does not give me things I can not handle.
I will be tested, I will be broken down and rebuilt, I will struggle, but I will get through.
I will look back at this and laugh! Maybe not someday soon, but eventually.
I'll be just fine...

I Wanna Go Home!!!

I just want to go home! I want to pretend this isnt happening, that "the ball isnt already rolling", and that I can still yell "STOP!" I'm not ready for pharmacy school, I'm not ready for anything. I don't see myself being a pharmacist, but then again I don't see myself being anything. I just want to go home! I don't want to be here. I don't want to be crying. I don't want to be so depressed and alone with all my thoughts. This is too much for me. I'm not prepared for this. I'm not smart enough, I haven't learned enough, I'm not emotionally strong enough, I can't do this! I want to go home! I want to go back to being at Mott; taking two classes at a time and being able to sail my way through them. Hell I want to go back to high school when I was worry-less. I want to go home! I want to be able to come back home from school and be with my mom and little brother at night. I want my mom! I want to be with my friends at Saint Marys. I want something familiar! I want someone to cry to for hours; who will make all my problems go away. I want to go home! I want to go home! I want to go home! I WANT TO GO HOME!

Is it Just Me?

I’m pretty much over summer. I crave chilly days, football games, autumn scented candles, Halloween excitement, and the crunch of leaves beneath my feet.